Ding-Dong Battle with Crusaders – Bristol Version…..

It was a big weekend of rugby. The appetiser was England vs Australia and Ireland vs New Zealand but the big game of the weekend was on Sunday. Stroud away at Dings Crusaders of Bristol.

Dings were a new opponent with a good track record, beating Longlevens and Old Richians easily and drawing against Chepstow. So we were expecting big hits in this match and to get us in the mood the Samak battle bus headed south on the M5 and had Now 18 blasting out big hits as well……

We arrived at Filton to be met by superb facilities – recently opened in 2018 from land purchased from Frenchay Hospital – Delia was going to feel at home here – just as well she knew her way around the area as she’d be busy and need to get in more medical equipment as the game wore on. Even Coach Stone felt at home. Both his kids had been born here – the maternity ward replaced by #34 Lets Be Having You. Shaftesbury Park had ample parking. A 4G pitch, plenty of changing facilities, an upstairs bar area, and a brand new stand with tiered seating. The parents loved the facilities and could watch France self destruct to Wales before watching our boys show how rugby should be played.

In true world cup tradition World Rugby had drafted in independent match officials. A female ref from Czech Republic, a linesman from Austria, and the hardest accent of the lot to interpret was a linesman speaking “Brizzle”. Not sure if that’s an independent republic like Avon, or some local dialect we’d have to translate into Northern for Coach Samak to understand the official’s decisions. Even more impressive than the clubhouse was the rumour that there was even a TMO going to be involved. There were enough TV’s in the clubhouse and even a computer in the plush reception that it was better fitted out than Radio Rentals (that one is for you Phil).

And if you don’t believe us follow these links:

Our officials on Twitter

Phil's favourite TV shop

Forwards: Carlo, Orgy, Liam, Jedd, Laurie, Jake, Stoner, Mr T
Backs: Hilly, Will, Lofty, Arthur, Billy, Flash, Alex
Subs: Callum, Darion, Bernie, Euan, Lucas, Perys, Dave, Keyan, James, Big Mac

Dings kicked off and superbly collected their own short kickoff with an acrobatic take. Quick hands took the ball left and they then crashed through the middle and kicked towards the try line. Alex bravely dived on the ball and was greeted by a boot to the head for his troubles and was taken from the pitch never to be seen again. So what did we learn:

• Alex’s head is bigger than the ball so made a nicer target
• The half game rule was misinterpreted by Delia as half a minute/game
• Arthur was going to get more full back practice

The match reporter then lost interest in the game as he frantically went to check on the health of his prone son. 7 seconds later I was back on duty scrawling copious notes as I trusted Delia’s medical opinion – like she trusted my journalistic accuracy. I hope for Alex’s sake her professionalism is more accurate than my match reports…..

The match restarted with a Stroud scrum that was duly won – but not easily as Dings had a powerful pack to nullify Stroud’s big strength. Just like Stroud Dings were inventive in the backs as well. A well placed diagonal kick put winger Flash under great pressure but he dealt with the threat excellently. The game settled down as the sides fought for supremacy. Another Stroud strength the lineout was working well so Dings focused on quick defensive line to keep Will and the backs under pressure. A well timed intercept looked to give Dings a breakaway try but Arthur foiled them in the Stroud 22 with an excellent last gasp tackle.

Dings kept the pressure on and in the next phase broke down the left but Keyan was able to chase down the winger and force him into touch as a try beckoned. Laurie won the lineout and Stroud kicked to relieve the pressure. The ball came back with interest but a Stoner/Mr T tackle sandwich dislodged the ball. Orgy saw his chance and galloped away with the ball breaking tackles left and right. As half way beckoned and he ran out of lungs he was hauled to the ground. Jake took on the ball but was adjudged to have held on in the next tackle. Dings were not hanging around and a quick tap penalty was taken and they attacked down the right flank and were rewarded with a well worked opening try. They had dominated the first 10 minutes and were fully deserving of their lead. Stroud knew they were in for a battle now. The kick from wide was missed with Dings in front at 5-0

Stroud took a page from the Dings kickoff guide and Lofty cleanly took the short kickoff. Ruck formed with good protection from Liam and Jed. Some Rhino’s kept the ball in tight with Carlo pounding the defensive line. Lofty had another mazy run which forced a Dings offside. Stroud kicked for the corner, won their 5 metre lineout but the ball went to ground. Never mind Darion will clear up we said – and sure enough he did as he forced his way over the line for an equalising try. Wills wide kick just sailed wide with the scores now level at 5-5.

Stroud won the kickoff but the game was stopped for another injury. Delia was in Casualty mode and was dishing out plasters and spray like no one’s business. Jenks as her able assistant was ordering replacement supplies in from his network of buddies in the forces. Hot and Cold spray would be in short supply post-Brexit so we had to get a seasons worth in now (any donations greatfully received c/o Nurse C Jenkins, Nympsfield Wing, GRH, NHS, England, Europe (for now), The World, N999 KO).

Dings won the scrum restart and kicked left but the ball squirmed into touch. Laurie was having a battle in the lineout with his opposite number as both teams were lifting well and competing for each others throws. A tip ball went to ground but we all know if the balls on the ground Miner Hilly will dig it out and sure enough he snaffled it before Dings could. 29 bodies later Hilly emerged from the bottom of the ruck with the immortal words. “I hate being a miner. Don’t even like Canaries in cages. That’s my Dad’s interest.” The ref was also an avid twitcher and didn’t like the dissent so marched Stroud back 10 metres. Another quick tap penalty looked to threaten a try but Lofty put in a blockbusting tackle and their #8 crashed to the ground in a state of shock. Dings kept the ball alive but Stoner and Jed were defending the ruck well and Dings were forced to go wide where Billy and Flash were equally combative in the tackle.

More injury stoppages gave Delia more work to do for the 2nd Casualty TV episode of the day. Jenks was now doing a TV screen test as an ambulance driver, but his muddy blue truck wasn’t photogenic enough so he was dropped from the episode for being unprofessional. Stroud won their scrum restart and Hilly set the backs off left. Quick hands got the ball out to Keyan and he drew the tackler and released Billy down the wing. Billy put on the blues n twos and sped down the line, overtaking an embarrassed Jenks in his blue truck. Great pace took him past the last tackler and he scored in the corner for the go-ahead try. Will’s conversion clanged the post but Stroud were finally in front at 10-5.

Will was busy and caught the kickoff deep in his 22 and then whacked it back with interest into the Dings half. An errant throw gave Stroud a scrum restart that they duly won. The Stroud backs were being nullified by the quick Dings press so had to be inventive in their lines. A few were called back for forward pass as they tried to perfect the game breaking pass. Dings were penalised at the next scrum and Stroud had a penalty in front of the posts. Knowing how close the game was Coach Jo was quietly heard to say “3 points please captain”. As the cry reverberated around the stadium – just like the Parents led Mexican wave - Will beckoned for the tee and calmly slotted the penalty for a 13-5 lead.

Another kickoff and another chance for Dings to show their handling skills again with another acrobatic take. Their big forwards crashed into contact but the Eddie Jones Kamikaze Kids were ready and waiting. First Euan with a Sam Underhill-esque chop tackle, Then Perys “Call me Tom Curry” put in the next blockbuster. “Tom Curry” said Dave on the side line. That’s a good idea. A top notch facility like this should take orders from the kids and not just feed us pasta or hotdogs. Stroud had a lineout but Dings competed well to steal it, but Liam was fired up and pounced on the ball and trampled up the sideline leaving a wake of players behind him. Then Lofty had an attack followed by Mr T punching up the wing. Next were some Carlo and Jake Rhino’s. Then a beauty of a line from Englands #1 Prop and Kyle Sinckler (aka Liam) threatened to score but Dings were better than Australia and stopped him just short. The ball came right and Mr T kept the ball alive followed by Jake. Stroud were eventually penalised and Dings attacked straight back and went the length of the pitch with their pacy backs and hard working forwards. Mr T and Lucas were helping keep them at bay but Dings were not giving in. Another tap penalty and a try beckoned but somehow Euan got in another chop tackle and denied them a try. “Great chop” shouted coach Phillips – better than I’ve ever done. “Great chop” shouted sub Dave as he changed his post match Curry order to a Pork Chop with apple sauce and all the trimmings.

The Czech ref was bemused. It was hard enough applying the European rugby laws to these British kids, let alone understand why they were shouting food orders upto the kitchen staff. She blew her whistle for half time and a chance to confer with her assistants to see what they wanted for lunch later. Dings food had to be better than aeroplane food that was what awaited them at Heathrow later.

Half Time: Dings Crusaders 5 – 13 Stroud

Stroud kicked off and Dings attacked to the left. A long pass was intercepted by Big Mac (more food!!) and the ball quickly came left but this time Billy was bundled into touch by the 5 metre line. Dings were penalised on their own line so Stroud had an attacking lineout. Jake won it this time and set up a drive but Dings held them up. Carlo spun of the back and looked to score but was stopped 2 metres short. Great skill made him place the ball, then re-collect it and dive for the line while surrounded by 4 defenders. The ref awarded the try and was heard asking her Italian friend for a food recommendation. Ever the professional Carlo declared that he’d heard good reviews of an Italian in Nailsworth and worth the trip compared to a Dings Burger and Cheesy Fries. Kick into the wind missed but Stroud were good for their 18-5 lead.

Big Mac took the next kickoff and went on a mazy run – just like England’s Jonny May – except faster. He was finally taken to ground on halfway. Lofty at 9 kicked over the top and a cruel 4G bounce foxed the full back and Billy timed his run to perfection and caught the loose ball and scored under the posts. Good kick and now it was 25-5

The next passage was more of the same. Big Mac kickoff run back. Lots of bodies flying in all directions. Euan still tackling at blade height and Stoner winning turnovers. Stroud won another scrum and another quick Dings press was rewarded with Will cutting up inside and threatening to score himself before unselfishly passing onto Big Mac to finish under the posts. 32-5 and counting.

Yet more of the same in the next phase but with Perys on tackle duty. Attacking runs this time by Lofty sniping up the blindside, kicking over the top and getting tackled as a try beckoned. Dings won their try on their own 5 and went inventive, very inventive! They kicked sideways to their winger and Big Mac was unlucky to knockon as he had his Anthony Watson moment taken away from him. Dings won the scrum under their posts and ran it out. More good tackling from Bernie and Callum held up Dings. Poacher Perys stole the turnover and defence switched to attack but Dings were stout in the tackle and kept Dave and Keyan at bay. 2 minutes later Stroud found themselves with a scrum restart on their own 22. Quick hands released Dave and he broke into the Dings half, a great tap tackle tripped him up and 3 bounces later (don’t you love AGP crumb pitches) he offloaded on the ground to Keyan who then released James down the wing. As we screamed encouragement to James to finish the great move the ref called it back for a penalty. The explanation was lost in translation to Dave so he calmly retreated back as the ref is always right. Dings attacked left and scored a good try in the corner. Big Mac was given a yellow postcard and was sent to the sideline to find a postbox as the ref had promised to send her Gran a postcard from sunny Bristol. Good kick for 32-12.

With Big Mac still looking for a postbox Dings pounced again and another powerful run from their #8 was dealt with by Arthur but good support was rewarded with another try down the left. This time the kick hit the post but things were getting interesting at 32-17.

Stroud's kickoff went the perfect 10 metres and Dave was obstructed from recovering it so we had a scrum restart. Another impressive shove gave clean ball to Lofty and he set Will away, again he cut inside the upcoming defensive line and had his choice of players to pass to. This time Dave was the benefactor and scored under the posts. 39-17 to Stroud.

The next try was instant. Keyan kickoff catch. Draw the tackler. Release Will down the line. At pace he somehow sidestepped a few tacklers, tip-toed down the line and cut inside the full back to score a great try in the corner. Individual brilliance. 44-17 as the tough kick was just missed.

We were now in the final minutes. Perys pounding up the pitch from the kick-off. More combative action from both sides. Stoner crunching tackles. Dings threatening to score again. Dave pressure relieving kick to touch. More lineout action with Stroud stealing the ball. Keyan and Billy running good lines. But Dings defending valiantly and attacking back with interest. The clock clicked into the red. Will kicked wide into space. Darion ran after it and hacked it on. Perys was there to collect the ball and finish it off down the left wing. “As good as Henry Slade and Jonny May” said Coach Mk I proud of the backs inspired move. “Even Better” said Coach Mk II “as its forwards doing the hard work – not the glory backs”. We agreed to disagree……

Will was receiving another plaster from Delia so Dave took the final kickoff the game once he’d negotiated the correct ball area with the match officials. 2 hours later – with the crowd saying Brexit was an easier negotiation - he took the final conversion kick – and just like Brexit it missed the mark. “One job” we said. “Get us over 50 points”. And he’d skewed it just wide. But with a knee injury we forgave him.

Full Time: Dings Crusaders 17 – 49 Stroud

Many thanks to Dings for their hospitality. The score was not reflective of how hard they had pushed us and as we said in the debrief the forwards played great to come down to Bristol and put in a performance like that.

Many thanks to Dings for organising the match officials and hope they enjoyed the experience and have a safe trip home.

We all retired home to look forward to an England vs New Zealand semi-final next weekend and also a chance to rest the weary bodies of the kids as the first part of the season drew to a close. Next game Cinderford early November. Should be an immense battle between 2 of the top 3 teams in Gloucestershire.

For those of you that want a proper match report then please read Dings report
here