Rucking Hell! Another breakdown meltdown!

It was a lovely summers day in Minch. We could see the far side of the pitch with the lack of fog, the snow was staying away, the temperature was above freezing, and it was only gale and not hurricane speed winds. It was almost tropical by Minch standards.

Stroud had won the 1st encounter this season. A 36-19 victory back in September at Fromehall. Now it was chance for revenge. Could a blue shirted team finally win a rugby game? Italy had been smashed by Wales (sorry Carlo), Scotland had lost to the green of Ireland. Now could the green of Minch repeat against the blue of Stroud?

Both teams were missing players due to GRFU county fixtures or concussions. Stroud were minus 5 and Minch -2. Luckily for Stroud Liam and Ryan were back from their head knocks and ready to step into the cauldron of battle. Unluckily for Stroud Dave was pacing the sideline grumbling about his lack of involvement. It was much better for the mental health of the coaches and parents, plus Stroud’s attacking prowess, if he was on the other side of the touchline taking out his frustrations on the opposing team.

Forwards: Stoner, Orgy, Carlos, Darion, Jedd, Harry, Euan, Mr T
Backs: Hilly, Ryan, Jake, Arthur, Billy, Flash, Arthur
Subs: Callum, Lucas, Liam, James

Stroud kicked off and Minch immediately went on the attack. Hilly was quickly into action with some brave tackling. Euan, Mr T and Alex were also called into action. Minch controlled the ball well and worked their way up the pitch but Mr T fought well and won a turnover. Arthur had a good run and set Billy off and he then hacked the ball upto the Minch 22. Minch recovered it well and made some tough yardage before a Harry/Orgy tackle sandwich forced a knock-on. Stroud lost their scrum though and to make matters worse then gave away a penalty that Minch kicked into the Stroud half.

Minch won their lineout but good defending forced a turnover and Carlo went on a powerful run. Euan then earnt some hard yards. Out to the backs and Jake tried a kick which was blocked and an alert, and very brave Hilly dived on the loose ball as the boots went flying. Ball secured and Jake went on a run this time but organised Minch defending hemmed him in. Then Stoner punched his way into contact followed by Carlo. The ball went loose and Minch had a scrum on the Stroud 22 which they won and attacked right. Jake put in a good tackle. Mr T then won a turnover and Ryan kicked into space. Billy hacked the ball on into the Minch 22. Then Darion was next to kick it under Minch pressure. The ball went into the dead ball area and bodies flew all over trying to get a touchdown. The ref awarded a Stroud try and everyone celebrated. No one knew who scored. Charlie claimed the try for Billy, Darion was also awarded it. Even Lucas and Dave on the sideline were awarded the try because no one knew. Eventually a refreshing wave of honesty broke out and Ryan was given the try. Jakes kick was good and Stroud led 7-0.

Euan ran back the kick-off well. Flash had a good run up the right wing followed by Mr T. Stroud won a penalty and kicked to touch. Darion won the lineout but the loose ball was snaffled by Minch and they attacked back quickly – only as far as Flash who stopped them in their tracks. Harry won a turnover and the backs attacked left. Quick hands got it out to Billy who attacked up the wing. Orgy and Jedd secured the ruck in the Minch 22. Ryan gruber kicked through for Arthur to run onto. Minch kicked it into deadball area and Stroud expected an attacking scrum 5 but the ref stuck to his guns and ignored everyone (including Minch!) correction and gave Minch a 22 drop out.

To add insult to injury they recovered their own kick and only tackles by Stoner twice and Jedd slowed them down until a forward pass gave Stroud a scrum restart on their 10 metre line. Doh! Minch won the scrum and carried on attacking and then winning a penalty that was kicked into the Stroud 22. They won their lineout but good tackling from Stoner, Euan and Jedd looked to have stemmed the tide, but then the floodgates opened and Minch punched through a big gap helped by missed tackles. Alex dragged down the attacker but Minch showed good hands to keep the ball alive and score in the right corner. The kick went straight over the post and depending on your angle it was a hit or miss. The ref voted in favour of green and Minch were equal at 7-7.

Stroud kicked off deep and more poor tackling gave their big back time to build up a head of steam. Alex with a head lacking hair due to his recent haircut was the last line of defence. Eyebrows were raised – historic references abound:

• Would he have lost all his tackling strength like Samson?
• Was it Delia or Delilah that had taken Alex to the barbers?
• Was Alex’s tackling strength actually down to players tripping over his long hair or tangling their studs in his flowing locks?
• Was Alex’s suicidal tackling due to the fact he couldn’t see through his fringe and didn’t realise what danger he put himself in everytime he went into tackle mode?
• Was the match reporter overplaying this passage of play?

Enough questions. You want Answers…..Crunch ! Alex bravely nailed the attacker with his trademark tackle technique and saved a certain try. He genuinely later claimed he could see better with shorter hair ad felt faster! Minch secured the ball at the breakdown and then won another penalty. The wind was playing havoc though and their kick to touch skewed sideways and cost them 10 metres! And to make things worse they lost their lineout to another Darion steal. Jedd had a good run and then Ryan weaved through the fast up-rushing blitz defense and earnt a penalty.

Stroud kicked to touch and Orgys accurate lineout threw found Darion. Mr T had a powerful run, followed by Darion who was all over the pitch and having a great game. Tap penalties were wasted by both teams with knock-ons as the error count on both teams rose. Minch had a scrum close to halfway that they duly won. Good hands worked some space and they crashed up the wing at pace and looked certain for a 2nd try – until enforcer hairless Alex again saved Stroud with another crunching tackle.

This time his improved vision and aerodynamic efficiency got him into the correct defensive position even quicker than normal. Caroline was strutting like a rooster claiming her haircut enforcement policy was keeping Stroud in the game. Russell had a parents whip round and we raised £150 quid to give him a weekly crew-cut to keep him at the top of his game. The inevitable tackle caused the inevitable knock-on. Stroud won their scrum in their own 22 and Jake ran it out and won a penalty for Minch off-side. The ball was kicked to touch and a wind-assisted errant throw gave Minch a scrum restart. Remember the sniping scrumhalf bellowed the coaches. 10 seconds and 40 yards later the sniping scrumhalf had weaved his way through air tackles and big gaps and scored a try under the posts. An easy conversion and Minch were good for a 14-7 lead. Panic stations hadn’t quite set in but underhand tactics were needed. Coach Philips was seen heading off to Jenks’ van and loading his ex-Service snipers rifle ready to assist in defending the next Minch scrum…….

Stroud improvised the kickoff well and Jake plucked it from the air. Jedd had a good run. The play broke down and got messy so the ref restarted with a Stroud scrum. This time Stroud did well at the set piece and the backs attacked left. Jake had a good run. Alex then took the ball deeper into the Minch half. Billy finished off the move and was swerving down the touchline but was forced into touch by the try line. The ref consulted his watch and blew up after 29 minutes much to the bemusement of all. Half time and time for a re-think…….

Half Time: Minch 14 – 7 Stroud

Subs didn’t take much time as we didn’t have many to make so at least the disruption it can cause should be kept to a minimum!

Minch kicked off and 25 bounces later Stroud decided to play it with Stoner taking responsibility. The ruck was secured with Liam and Lucas clearing out their Minch rivals with glee. Jedd had a llama run but got isolated and Minch stole the ball on the Stroud 22. They quickly worked the ball left and as Coach Philips lined up his snipers rifle to assist the ref (wearing Army attire) declared the 1950’s vintage rifle as no longer RFU approved so couldn’t be used. So Jenks really was that old and had been in the Services a long time like he keeps claiming…. The coaches admin error cost Stroud and the Minch winger took the ball on and scored an easy try in the corner. Kick was missed but Minch were now leading 19-7 after only 2 minutes played.

Now this seemed to invigorate the boys and the rest of the game we played better. Only 28 minutes left to save ourselves……

Minch knocked on the kickoff and from the scrum Stroud attacked well through the backs. Billy was tackled just short and then the inevitable penalty gave Minch an escape to touch. The one upside to losing penalties was that Darion was winning most of the Minch lineouts so it was a bizarre way of us claiming possession back, but at the expense of 40 yards of territory! Stroud attacked with Carlo and Mr T at the forefront of the action. Defensively it was Harry and Stoner keeping Minch at bay as the war of attrition continued. Liam had a great run showing he was back from his concussion enforced rest.

Both teams were rushing decisions though with tap penalties knocked on in their eagerness to find a gap. Stroud had a good attacking move out to the right and James was unlucky to knock-on. Minch too were causing knock-ons as they received punishing Stroud tackles from all angles. Stroud won their scrum and attacked left and Billy looked to have scored a try but a last gasp tackle around the neck yanked him back and luckily his head stayed on his shoulders and all we got was an attacking lineout. This was duly secured and then Minch were penalised again. Another tap penalty knockon though gifted Minch an easy escape as their dominant scrum secured good ball for their centres to attack. They crashed through the middle and again it was Alex to the rescue with his 3rd or 4th try saving tackle. Minch kept the ball alive and Billy had tracked back brilliantly to also stop Minch breaking away. Minch earnt another penalty and kicked into the Stroud 22 but Darion was again the Stroud saviour with the lineout steal. Stroud ran it out but a forward pass gave Minch a scrum 10 metres from glory.

Inevitably Minch won the scrum but heads up tackling from sniper qualified Euan and Carlo kept Minch out. Carlo won a turnover and Jake kicked deep. The next few minutes both teams cancelled each other out but Minch having the benefit of the refs whistle. A penalty kick to goal was sliced wide. Stroud kicked the 22 drop out deep and earnt a scrum from a resulting knock-on. Flash went sniping to try and emulate the Minch #9 but Minch were strong in defense. The forwards kept it tight with Rhinos from Harry, Lucas and Carlo. Callum and Liam were providing good breakdown support or running options. Minch eventually stole the ball and attacked back but James was quickly in with a stout tackle to the applause of many. Caroline then claimed James’ short hair was her doing as well. These glory mums trying to take credit for the children's sporting prowess. Charlie wanting Billy tries, 2 weeks before Sam and Tori fighting over MoM award. What will it be next week? Jim claiming his new spectacles mean he can become a RFU qualified match official and take on the role of official TMO for Stroud U16s? There’s plenty of video footage for GCSE PE entrants for him to consult to show every angle imaginable!

Stroud had an attacking lineout but the ball was lost and Minch kicked deep. Alex ran it back well and then Carlo, Jedd and Mr T kept the forward momentum going. Stroud went wide and a long arcing pass from Jake missed out 2 backs and straight to Darion who took it with great skill and pace up the wing. Minch snuffed out that attack but they had overcommitted so quick hands from Stroud then went left and gave Billy a run to the corner. This time the last gasp tackle missed his head and he slid in for Stroud's 2nd try. The impossible kick from wide into the wind came up just short but now it was a 1 score game with Minch leading 19-12. Game On !

Jake was on kick return duties followed by a strong run from Liam. 3 weeks energy to burn off and he was doing it in 30 minutes ! Stroud worked their way into the Minch 22 with a combination of good runs, strong scrummaging or lineout steals from that man Darion. As much as Stroud went forward they then went backwards as Minch were awarded penalties that they opted for scrum restarts because that way they guaranteed possession vs kicking it 40m and losing it to a Darion lineout steal !

Another visit to the Minch 22 gave Stroud an attacking scrum in the centre. Flash sniped into contact. Jedd went Rhino. Stroud inched their way towards the line and a score looked on – until the ref awarded Minch a penalty and they escaped again. Stroud again attacked back a few minutes later and Mr T won a lineout. Jake ran the ball up the centre but lost the ball in contact. Minch won their scrum and attacked left. Another try looked on but Alex again wasn’t giving up. Another piledriver forced the Minch player 3 ft into the mud. Jim with his new found eyesight declared that was deeper than most piles he was constructing at the moment.

Public Service Announcement - Stroud Council Building Regs Enforcement Office - please measure his work closely in next 6 months in case there is a spike in subsiding homes in the Stroud Valleys….

Alex’s tackle again gave Stroud chance to steal the loose ball. Arthur ran it back, then Mr T. The impossible looked possible. Could Stroud do a Matson and score an equalising try on the last play of the game? Nope! Another penalty to Minch and they kicked the ball to touch and celebrated wildly for their first win over Stroud in probably 4 years.

Full Time: Minch 19 – 12 Stroud

Team debrief was held and the negatives analysed (rucking, rucking, rucking) and positives were highlighted. The last 28 minutes after Minch’s 3rd try had shown Stroud digging deep and coming back into the game and not letting Minch run away with victory.

Special mention in coaching dispatches for Alex for 5 try saving blockbuster tackles (go and count them in the report – or pay for Jim's professional services - surveying equipment and new eyesight - and get a site survey of the Minch pitch and see the 5 dents in the pitch! Also special mentions for Hilly and Flash for battling hard for the ball in the breakdown chaos.

Fair play to Minch for winning at home. They deserved their victory and fought hard all the way. Next season should be interesting with the Colts setup and how they integrate with their older age-groups, like we will go through as well.

It was off to the clubhouse and copious helpings of cheese, with some pasta thrown in for good measure. Minch captain Cam gave a speech and awarded man of the match to Mr T for his combative work at the breakdown and punishing runs. The rugby rivals - and school mates - compared bruises and battle scars. Word of advice Stroudies – wear ear plugs tomorrow so the Minch boys don’t wind you up too much.

So all three Blue rugby teams had lost – Italy, Scotland and Stroud. At least that means France were odds on for a stuffing. Nope we couldn’t even do that. Les Blues gave England a pasting. Revenge for leaving Europe or the start of a new wave of French rugby flair? Either way my trip to Paris with work this week is now looking even more uncomfortable and me being the butt of constant jokes.

Now to finish on a positive note…..that's my job after all…..

• So Stroud won the first game 36-19.
• Minch won the 2nd game 19-12.
• Aggregate score is 48-38 to Stroud.
• Therefore we are season victors on the GRFU approved “friendly tie-break rule”.
• Also get a bonus point because kept Minch more than 10 points away from us.

So well played lads, another “admin” victory over Minch we can celebrate today to nullify the on-pitch defeat they inflicted.

Next week its Cleve away in Bristol – we will see what Glos Academy players are busy that weekend. I am away so you have a guest match reporter who declares himself at Copy/Paste and Find/Replace. To give you a clue we have advance warning Orgy is going to be declared Man-of-the-Match – and probably in the role of Full Back to save Mr Organ too much editorial tinkering!