Colts Presentation Day and Season Review

It was presentation day and time to celebrate the Colts rugby season. It was a good turnout from the Colts, especially considering how many of the now over 18s had gone from night club to club house with minimal sleep. A few U17s were excused as they had a County game to play (they beat Oxfordshire – well done lads).

Special visitors Fraser Balmain and Ed Slater from Gloucester Rugby had seen the Friday night Cheltenham game on You Tube and wanted to see the talent first hand and do some potential scouting. The best players would join Gloucester. Any slightly less skilled players would still be better than the Bath Rugby outfit that got trounced 64-0 the week before. And we looked better in our Blue and White kit than they did.

A big game of touch rugby with the U16’s was followed by trophy time.

• Most Improved Player: Freddie W
• U17 Coaches Player: Freddie P
• U18 Coaches Player: Stoner
• Players Player: Myles (9 players were nominated)

As a reminder we plan an early July end of season get together for current Colts, new U16s who join next season, and old U16s (now 18s) that didn’t say goodbye in 2020 due to Covid.

Season Summary

People were still buzzing after the Blockbuster of a game vs Cheltenham 1 week ago. It was the big ticket night out in April. Better than the Cinema. What would May bring? Well I work in aerospace and am a child of the 1980s who’s 1st CD album was Top Gun Soundtrack and wanted to join the RAF.

Only 1 choice. Everyone needs a Top Gun influenced season summary to celebrate the new Tom Cruise release. Especially as Top Gun 2 was delayed 2 years for Covid – just like our rugby seasons were impacted.

The season started slowly. A random collection of ace performers were called to Fromehall to be taught at the highest level and perform as a formidable team. Coach Jane was really instructor Charlie (Kelly McGillis). Coach Jo was the other instructor “Viper”. No one was Maverick or Iceman. All the pilots were equally skilled and interchangeable. Backs and Forwards could change seats and both still fly the plane. Like Maverick they were innovative and daring in attack. Like Iceman they were cool as you like under pressure and made the right decisions.
The first few exercise games go well. The team is gelling well. Victories over Longlevens, Tewkesbury, Cheltenham and Minch set the scene nicely. The pilots are listening to the instructors and performing in the air on Sunday what they learn on the ground on Thursday training. The one bad sortie (losing to Minety) where they ignore the instructors is used as a training example and the squadron come back stronger than ever.

Then we hit some turbulence in November and go into a flat spin. Spiralling out of control 3 games are lost back-to-back. The injuries are mounting. Top pilots Will, Alex, Callum, and Archie have gone AWOL. Goose is gone never to be seen again (aka George and broken nose/county games). Fortunately more U18s pilots return to the squad and we welcome back Mr T, Jedd, Lucas and Bernie plus some rookie pilots WillC and JoeE.

It comes to final graduation and can the pilots earn their wings? 3 tough contests vs top fighters Cirencester, Cinderford and Longlevens show the confidence and skills have returned with 3 impressive victories. The Top Gun Class of 2021 graduate with flying colours and are ready for real combat. The “Friendly League” is over and 2022 will bring new stiffer challenges.

Hostilities break out. Not Ukraine. A Colts League with meaningful results is the challenge. Tewkesbury are destroyed far away from the mothership Fromehall. Cheltenham and Matson are the next combatants and try and attack the home ship. They are repelled and sent back from whence they came with more heavy losses. A few meaningless side skirmishes act as distractions but are not part of the story. We can ignore Minch trying to torpedo us (films are always made up – like said match report). We can definitely include beating Wootton though because revenge is a dish best served cold after they put us in a flat spin before Xmas.

It all came down to 1 final battle. Cirencester away. Winner takes home all the silverware. Stroud were shorthanded with a lack of planes and reserve pilots. Cirencester were at full strength and had ample spares. They even fought in their own back yard so knew all the foibles of their pitch and weather. The contest was close all the way. The “fog of war” descended and the film credits came up. Stroud might have won. They might have lost. We’ll never know. We didn’t win anything at the Oscars so we probably could have done a bit better but that’s the beauty of fiction. You make of it what you will.

The league was over but people still wanted more entertainment. A sequel was quickly put into production. Top Gun 2. The big hit. Friday night blockbuster. 2 more games played – various actor reunions. Nice to see Perys at Dursley. Even nicer to beat them and “get back that lovin feelin” of victories.

One final mission. Cheltenham at home. Under lights. Big audience. Could have sold tickets. More actor reunions. Dave, Lofty and Jake-RC come back into the all star cast. Thrilling film. Roller coaster of emotions. Plenty of action. The home team win and everyone goes home happy. Good defeats Evil. For Star Wars fans its The “Light Side” beats the “Dark Side”. The “Rebel Alliance” defeats “The Empire”. Oscars handed out at the end of the season to all the actors.

• Best Film: Last Game Home vs Cheltenham
• Best Director (joint): Jane and Jo
• Best Actor: Anyone wearing the Blue and White of Stroud
• Best Actress (and Medic): Delia
• Best Adapted Screenplay: Match report of that game. And it was a rambling story….
• Best Original Song: Darion for “Ready, ready, ready!”

Speaking of music lets put together a season summary based on that infamous Top Gun Film Soundtrack. Now that’s a challenge…. Songs in bold for the kids who don’t recognise classic 80’s rock and think I’ve lost the plot.

Start of the season we went to the “Danger Zone”. We took some “Mighty Wing(er)s” with us and destroyed Longlevens away. The next games was like “Playing with the Boys”. More strong victories. It was enough to “Take my Breath Away”. I had to do match reports for the rest of the season now. Jo tricked me - “Just the one report please”. He “Lead Me On”!). The season went great. We won plenty and scraped a few losses and the players got better and better which is all you can ask for. It came to April and the “Hot Summer Nights”. Beating Cheltenham at home for the 3rd time for a season finale was “Heaven In Your Eyes”. We had made it “Through the Fire” and the season was finished and for the U18s it was now “Destination Unknown” to see where their senior rugby career would go.

Enough of this codswallop – especially if you’ve never seen the film or heard the soundtrack. Back to normality…..

The real season summary (Tries for/Stroud conversions/Tries against)

Win: Away vs Longlevens 12-40……(For: 6 Conv: 5 Against: 5)
Win: Home vs Tewkesbury 29-12……(For: 5 Conv: 2 Against: 2)
Loss: Home vs Minety 19-21……(For: 3 Conv: 2 Against: 3)
Win: Away vs Cheltenham 22-25……(For: 3 Conv: 2 Against: 3)
Win: Away vs Minch 15-19……(For: 3 Conv: 2 Against: 3)
Loss: Home vs Ledbury 7-38……(For: 1 Conv: 1 Against: 6)
Loss: Home vs Royal Wootton Bassett 7-31……(For: 1 Conv: 1 Against: 5)
Loss: Away vs Matson 27-12……(For: 2 Conv: 1 Against: 5)
Win: Home vs Cirencester 31-0……(For: 5 Conv: 3 Against: 0)
Win: Home vs Longlevens 21-19……(For: 3 Conv: 3 Against: 3)
Win: Home vs Cinderford 34-13……(For: 6 Conv: 2 Against: 2)
Win: Away vs Tewkesbury 14-38 (League) ……(For: 6 Conv: 4 Against: 2)
Loss: Home vs Minch 18-24……(For: 3 Conv: 0 Against: 4)
Win: Away vs Royal Wootton Bassett 17-32……(For: 5 Conv: 2 Against: 3)
Win: Home vs Cheltenham 17-13 (League) ……(For: 3 Conv: 1 Against: 1)
Loss: Away vs Cirencester 28-23 (League) ……(For: 2 Conv: 2 Against: 4)
Win: Home vs Matson 45-12 (League) ……(For: 7 Conv: 5 Against: 2)
Win: Away vs Dursley 22-45……(For: 7 Conv: 5 Against: 4)
Win: Home vs Cheltenham 40-23……(For: 6 Conv: 5 Against: 4)

Totals: Won: 13 Lost: 6 For: 502 Tries 77, conversions 48, 62%. 7 penalties Against: 361

So now for the optimism…..Should have beaten Minety and with more players would have beaten Ciren away and won the league and also could have beaten Minch at home. Matson was a last minute loss when intercept knock-on on their line not spotted as we were about to take lead. Injuries/lack of players/GRFU call ups heavy factors in other 2 losses to Ledbury and Bassett. So apart from that we would have gone unbeaten throughout the year and based on Ciren winning final heavily we would have been Colts County Champions. That’s the target for next years Colts to right this years wrong’s.

Other highlights: Will, Laurie, George, and Jake playing for GRFU County U18 squad. Myles, Dougie, Ryan, and FreddieP getting GRFU U17 County call ups. Mackenzie in the U17 Glos Rugby Academy

U18 highlights for last 6 seasons was in Cheltenham match report at end - link here

The Match Reporters Rules

So for any prospective parent who wants to take over my role next year here’s some tips.

It started as report on Weymouth Tours from U10 & U11 then grew as small match reports when went to U12s. Then quickly morphed into what you see today. Sometimes it’s mainly a match report with some adhoc jokes/observations, other times its more observational stuff with the game as a bit part.

Here are my guidelines for writing the match reports and my thought process, or lack of!

1. The truth is optional so get creative
2. Think of your audience – players/parents/grandparents/opponents/club stalwarts/authorities
3. Don’t be controversial. The ref is always right, even when he has the score wrong!
4. To quote Danny Cipriani – “Be Kind”
5. Don’t mention players full names
6. Ideally give them nicknames – gives you more options for jokes. E.g. Big Mac or Mr T and the A-Team Old Pats report
7. If players with same name need to split them: Stoner, Dave, Orgy, Bernie, Hilly
8. If you have international players learn their language to make them feel at home. Carlos = pizza, pasta, Cornetto. Big Mac = Haggis, Iron Bru
9. Write it up within 24 hours while you can still remember some of it
10. Always be optimistic and twist stats to your advantage (see point 1)
11. If we’re losing badly suggest “next try wins”
12. Make sure you get the try scorers correct. It doesn’t matter how the ball got over the line (see 1)
13. If you didn’t see it then the parents/players probably didn’t see it. (see 1)
14. If it’s raining then your notes are a waste of time (see 1)
15. Try and find a different topic for each report to keep it fresh
16. Writing these match reports is like a Pixar/Disney film – a bit for the kids and most of the jokes for the adults that the kids never understand ;-)
17. Films, TV shows and music are good topics to build a story around
18. Remember to copy/paste. Matson = Alpine resort, Cheltenham = Horse Racing, Feb = Six Nations
19. If appropriate keep it relevant to recent news e.g. Twitter/Elon Musk
20. But avoid politics, war and other bad news
21. If it’s a tour game under lights mention Sky TV
22. When on tour delegate mini-reports to other parents so get plenty of different themes and weird humour
23. Always have a dependable backup when away. Coach Samak was a great replacement and now does Senior XV match reports
24. Parent influence is good – they have plenty of banter that gives ideas for a theme
25. Player influence is also good – Orgy was always trying to talk up his involvement and claim tries/tackles as he would stand next to me.
26. Have a great set of players and parents that can take the humour and can contribute – had that every year
27. Dave was my sparring partner and joke punch bag. He could take the humour and give it back with interest.
28. Avoid player favouritism. If anything I’ve been overly ignorant of Alex’s performances and not given him the credit he deserves (as certain parents keep telling me) so I’ll say it now with my rose tinted spectacles. I think he is the best full back in the County – safe as houses under the high ball (except when he drops it) and never misses a tackle (apart from when they are faster than him). Clifton doesn’t count as they are really Bristol and GRFU imposters!
29. Avoid alcohol references. Essex RFU did an investigation into Old Brentwoods tour match as they copy/paste our match report and RFU thought our mars bar/soft drinks racing games was a code word for alcoholic pressured drinking games!

So as you can see most weeks it’s a mixture of following or ignoring the rules above but it seems to work for most people hopefully!
One of my favourite reports that highlights a lot of above was the mash up of Stroud vs Old Pats “A Team” and due to great performance by Mr T we had to bring in the rest of the A-Team TV Show and Hannibal, Murdoch etc. Also highlights a certain Tom O trying to bribe the match reporter from the sidelines - link here

So to keep it topical I am just like James Corden. I am the slightly rotund chap who has now given up his media career and will return home to spend more time with his family. As if !! See you at Fromehall in September but pen and paper firmly in my pocket and can enjoy watching rugby without in parallel building a story in my head to type up later!

It’s been a blast. Over and Out.