Stroud led by Mr T bring their “A game” to beat the “A team” – Old Pats that is

Stroud needed to get back on the winning bandwagon. It wasn’t nice losing to a marauding bunch of forwards on a difficult pitch – aka Cinderford 2 weeks ago. A nice summers day, no wind, a flat pitch and dry ball would be perfect for the Stroud team to unleash their power running game with slick passing. Ooppsss. Storm Freya blowing a hooly away at Cheltenham. Wet ball, bracing wind and an uphill pitch. Time to unleash the forwards and see how well they could control the game against another tough opponent in Old Pats who we always had close games against.

…..and that’s all I could read from my notes. 4 hours later they are still sodden and I might need a bit of artistic license to fill the gaps inbetween my ineligible notes. I can handle this. Not the first time I might have made 1 or 2 errors in my match report or gone off piste.

A great turnout of players and parents – Stroud and Old Pats – would mean the subs coats would be kept warm with the heavy rotation of bodies needing a well earnt rest.

Forwards: Lucas, Orgy, Bernie, Darion, Laurie, Harry, Stoner, Mr T
Backs: Hilly, Will, Dave, Arthur, Billy, Big Mac, Alex
Subs: Callum, Bailey, Jedd, Euan, Flash, James, Ryan, Fin, Perris

Old Pats would have the advantage of the slope and the wind/rain at their backs. Could Stroud keep the score close and then take advantage in the 2nd half?

Old Pats recovered their own kick-off and immediately went on the attack. The Stroud forwards were fired up though and immediately forced a knock-on that Lucas bravely dived on. Stroud went straight on the attack with the backs and Old Pats were penalised. Wills kick to touch was held up in the fierce wind and Old Pats ran it back to the right. Old Pats had brought their “A” team to this contest but had forgotten 1 vital character. We had poached Mr T and screaming into battle with the phrase “shut up fool” he put in a thundering tackle on his TV screen-star flanker Murdock that knocked him 6 foot sideways. He went off for a HIA assessment, but as it was Murdock he was already certified nuts so was allowed to continue. Only headcases would want to play rugby in conditions like this…..

Pats did well to keep the ball alive and went for the aerial route – knowing that Mr T hated flying – and kicked for the corner. An alert Billy tracked back well though to down the ball in dead ball area and give Stroud a 22 drop out. Will kicked long and Old Pats returned well until the inevitable Stoner crunch tackle forced a knock-on. Stroud won their scrum and Hilly gave good fast ball to Will who kicked over the top. Pats returned it well and were awarded a penalty which they kicked to the corner. Pressure on the forwards to hold tight. Pats won their lineout and drove for the line. Somehow Mr T got himself through the middle and held up the attacker. As more forwards saw their chance they too held up the charge, forced a maul and then were awarded a scrum restart. These Stroud forwards were well up for the battle today. Next job was a good scrum on their own line. The backs now took their chance to shine under pressure. Quick (wet) hands under their posts got the ball out to Billy and he sprinted up the left wing. He was eventually stopped – by the ref – who needed to stop the game for a player injury. Stroud won the scrum restart on halfway but knocked on as a long pass got blown off course.

The teams traded scrums and knock-ons for a few minutes until Pats had a penalty that they again expertly kicked for the corner. This time they controlled the lineout drive well and pushed over in the corner. The kick from wide was missed but Pats had taken a crucial lead at 5-0.

Stroud kicked off and that man Mr T was again there with a storming tackle that forced another knock-on. Stroud had another good scrum push and the backs went right with Big Mac threatening to score down the right but forced into touch by good cover tackling. Pats won their lineout deep in their 22 and kicked high and deep. The swirling wind deceived Big Mac and he knocked on at halfway. Stroud lost the ball in the scrum but Pats were penalised. Will kicked long but again the dastardly wind kept the ball in play. Pats kicked it back deep but Alex covered it well and ran it back up the left. The forwards had tracked across well to provide support. Great clear-outs from Orgy and Harry gave plenty of space for Lucas to pick and go. Eventually Pats forced a turnover and kicked for space but the wind took the ball out the back and it was back for a Stroud scrum on halfway.

Stroud won their scrum and attacked through the middle but were penalised at the ruck. Pats kicked long and the ball stayed in play but was knocked on by Stroud. A Pats scrum close to the Stroud line was another scoring opportunity. Stroud held the scrum push well though and the ball came out to the #8 who tried to crash over the line but knocked on in his eagerness to score. Stroud were still under big pressure under their own posts. A strong scrum gave the backs a bit of room to move. Darion took on the ball well from next ruck. Pats were penalised so Will kicked for touch but again the ball stayed in play for Pats to run back. Mr T was again leading the way with a big tackle. Realising running around or through the forwards was failing Pats kicked again for space and again the wind took it too long out the back of try area. Stroud wasted their scrum restart on halfway though and Pats were awarded a penalty that they kicked to the Stroud 22.

Pats won their lineout and went to attack through the backs but knocked on under good pressure from Dave and Arthur. Stroud won the scrum restart and went left with Billy up the wing. As he was eventually dragged to ground he offloaded to Alex who took on the attack. More good rucking gave Hilly plenty of space to give an expert pass to Will who then lofted a high cross field kick towards Fin. The Pats winger did well to defend though but had to knock-on to keep Stroud out. Stroud had a scrum restart on the Pats 5. Forward shove over had to be the call here. Nope. Such was the confidence of the Stroud backs that the ball went through all their hands at pace with clean accurate passing and Billy managed to touchdown in the left corner. Will’s kick was impossible from that far out into the wind but a gallant effort just fell wide. 5-5 and all to play for.

Pats kicked off and Dave slid in to make a great catch. No lingering thumb injury there then to worry about. Jedd went on a powerful run but Stroud were penalised at the breakdown. Pats kicked for the corner and this time improvised with an underarm lineout throw that was penalised. Stroud had a scrum restart on their own 5. Again kicking was a pointless task into this wind so the backs ran it out from under their posts. Dave “crash ball king” was ready for a 10 yard pounding run. 90 mountainous uphill yards later and leaving 3 Pats players, plus his 1 good lung, in his wake he crossed the Pats try line for a well earnt, but tiring try. Will kicked the extras as Dave was subbed off and sent to the oxygen tent to recover. Stroud leading 12-5 and just needing to hold on for a few minutes before they could turn the hill to their advantage.

Old Pats hadn’t read the script – they couldn’t. My notes were still sodden. I couldn’t read my spidery scrawls – what chance did they have? Billy caught the kick-off under great pressure. A few phases later and Stroud knocked on giving Pats a scrum restart. They crashed through the middle on a perfectly timed run. Then swerved left to avoid the desperate cover tackles and dived over the line for a well deserved try. Another kick from wide was missed but the game was delicately balanced with Stroud edging it 12-10.

Stroud kicked off and Pats again wanted to get another score and make the most of their wind/slope advantage. They crossed over halfway. Bad move. Stoner didn’t like that so he smashed the attacker to the ground and yet again the ball was spilt forward and the ref blew for half time.

Half Time: Old Pats 10 – 12 Stroud

The coaching team had prepared their half time speech in advance, knowing how hard it would be to beat Old Pats “A team”. Coach Samak and gone all Hannibal (not the Elephant version) and needed a commanding military speech to inspire his troops into action in the 2nd half. His monologue was something like this…..

"In Feb 2019 a crack commando unit of Stroud U15s was sent back to Fromehall by a military court for a crime they did commit by playing badly vs Cinderford. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security Friday training session to the Old Pats ground. Today, still wanted by the Stroud coaching staff, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the Stroud U15s."

The players jogged back onto the pitch in bemusement – Jedd declaring that this must be Samak in concussion protocol, or some reference to a crap 80’s rock band or TV show he keeps using for inspiration. With a glint in his eye Coach Samak turned back to the sideline and exclaimed "I love it when a plan comes together!"

Stroud kicked off and Pats ran it back strongly – for about 10 yards and then they met the Stroud tackling wall….. Euan, Stoner, Harry, Laurie all put in cracking tackles. Pats did well to keep the ball alive and decided to pick on the smaller backs. No point. Flash at scrumhalf put in a dominant tackle as well. Pats were going nowhere. Mr T was next to add another victim to his tackle stats. This time the Stroud pack were ready to show their counter-rucking skills. Led by Jedd and Harry they powered through the Pats protectors and cleared them out 5 yards past the ball. Clean turnover ball to Stroud that they were ready to exploit but the Pats runner dived back on the ball and was now 5 yards off-side so was rightfully penalised. Will kicked deep to the Pats 22. Stoner had moved upto his favourite position of front row (I am sure he was joshing with us at the end when he said he wasn’t a fan) and took on hooker duties.

A good throw was caught by Laurie and the forwards drove forward. Ball out to the backs and Arthur was on crash ball duty. Pats were good at the breakdown though and got another turnover but couldn’t exploit it as they subsequently knocked-on. The teams traded scrums and knock-ons deep in the Pats half. Reinforcements were needed so more subs were taken. Mr T was replaced by new player Perris. He probably wasn’t as they play different positions but I needed another reason to bring an “A team” quote to help pad out my match report.

As Mr T was handed the sub coat he was overhead in deep discussion with coach Samak who was complimenting him on his tackling efforts….

Hannibal: "B.A., there's an old saying - 'The best defense is a good offense.'"
Mr T: "You got that wrong, man. A good offense is the best defense."
Hannibal: "Okay, have it your way."

That really is a real TV quote – Google it !

Pats had a scrum restart but a great forward shove won Stroud the ball on the Pats 22. The backs attacked left and Dave found himself close to scoring. 1 double move later he was penalised and the try was disallowed. Pats kicked the penalty towards touch but Flash kept the ball alive. Helped by about 6 forwards he was forcefully carried deep into the Pats half. Eventually he was dragged to ground but Harry took on the attack with a good run. He too was eventually stopped but Pats had committed a lot of men to defending these 2 attacking runs. Will saw the gap and cross kicked to the right and a perfectly weighted kick was caught by Big Mac who dived over the try line in celebration. Perhaps regretting his decision to not get the ball closer to the posts captain Will saved his blushes with a great conversion kick from wide – wind assisted – left to right and from the rear at 30mph! Stroud now lead 19-10

At this point in time there was a ref change. The Pats ref must have pulled a calf muscle trying to chase down Dave for his 100 yard crash ball try – or tripped over his lung he’d left on halfway. Jo stepped into the fray and was told 14 minutes left to play. 45 minutes later the game ended…

The end. Only joking…. We played for 37 more minutes…… ;-)

Pats kicked long and Stroud knocked on close to their own try line. Pats won the scrum and attacked the Stroud line. Stout defence from Laurie and Euan held them out. Callum and Lucas were also putting their bodies in harms way to defend the try area. Eventually Stroud forced a turnover. At this distance we couldn’t see what hand had stolen the ball – all the players looked the same covered in mud. I turned to the subs to ask for their assistance. Must have been Orgy as he’s the dark arts magician I proclaimed. Then realised Tom was standing next to me. Still put me in the match report he pleaded. £5 later I promised him I would. So another Orgy turnover and Jedd bullocking run gave Stroud some breathing space but it was short lived as Old Pats forced another turnover with a pounding tackle.

Pats were desperate to score. Stroud were desperate to keep them out. Orgy gave me another £5 bribe so he was credited with a last gasp tackle. Then Perris and Callum combined well to keep Pats out. Laurie and Euan kept the tackle count high. The ball came wide so the backs had to get involved with James and Fin tackling strongly. Eventually Pats found some space and scored a try in the left corner and their controlled play had been rewarded. The kick was missed but it was now 3 tries apiece but Wills kicking the difference at 19-15 to Stroud.

Stroud kicked off and Jedd put in a big hit that jarred the ball loose. Stroud won the scrum restart and attacked left. Dave drew the man and released Ryan who weaved his magic through the middle. The defence closed on him but he timed his pass to perfection to Dave who had looped around the back. Dave kept the turbo going and dived over the line for a well worked try. The kick from wide was just missed but Stroud had some breathing space again at 24-15.

Perris caught the Pats kick-off and had a good runback. Darion had some great runs to keep the attack going. Will kicked long but this time he was cursed with the powerful wind taking the ball dead so back for a Pats scrum on halfway. They won their scrum and improvised with a gruber kick that Ryan expertly fielded. Bailey had a pounding run that was eventually stopped illegally. Stroud kicked the penalty into the Pats 22 were Euan caught the lineout well. Stroud drove forward determined to get another try. Darion had a good run, then Jedd and then Bailey. These Rhinos were running rampant. Even the Llamas had a few look-ins. Back to Darion to try and squeeze down the blindside and as he was forced towards touch he did very well to keep the ball in play. More great rucking and support play from the forwards kept the ball under Stroud control and moved it closer to the Holy Land. The backs were screaming for the ball as they wanted the glory of the easy touchdown but the “gnarly” forwards rightfully wanted to earn a try that they deserved and not let the “pretty boys” take the glory. With one huge effort Bailey crashed over the line and Mecca had been reached. The forwards celebrated their try. The backs celebrated with them as it had been a great forward effort throughout the game and the try was the minimum they deserved. The hard kick was missed but Stroud had stretched their lead to 29-15.

Pats kicked off and Flash ran it back. Another hard run well supported by the forwards made another dent in the Pats defense. Eventually they forced a turnover and attacked left but more good Stroud tackling forced a maul that they held up and were awarded a scrum restart. Stroud attacked through the backs with Arthur making good distance. The forwards took over and Perris and Darion had some good runs. Stroud then kicked for space but old Pats covered it well and ran it back into the teeth of tackles from Euan, Stoner and Arthur. Eventually Pats were penalised and Will kicked into the Pats 22. Laurie claimed the lineout throw and the forwards went on another drive – determined to score another try. Pats handled it well though and kept Stroud out so the ball came out to the backs but the increasing wind meant a few passes went astray and gave Pats the chance to hack the ball on into the Stroud 22. The ball eventually went dead and the ref blew for full time.

Full Time: Old Pats 15 – 29 Stroud

Both teams congratulated each other for a great game played in difficult conditions but with great levels of skill and commitment from both teams. Games against Old Pats are always well contested and this was no different.

Team huddle was held and the forwards were congratulated for their overall performance in all aspects of the game. All the team were congratulated though because everyone had done their job well and put in an excellent team performance. Mark had set some tackle targets in the pre-game chat and they had well and truly been exceeded. Off to the clubhouse to dry off and enjoy the hospitality.

Thanks to Old Pats for hosting us and hope the injured players, and ref, recover quickly. We look forward to playing you again next season in another nail biter of a game. Bit less wind and rain next time please though. As the storm strengthened it was time to go home and dry out….

….Coach Jo was flying after his team’s performance. It was also the only way back to Nailsworth with the A46 closed at Painswick. Only 1 problem – he was giving Mr T a lift back and he hated flying. Coach Jo had taken on the Hannibal role from Mark. We again heard the immortal phrase “I love it when a plan comes together” as he trotted off to the clubhouse to raid the bar for a glass of milk

Mr T: " I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool "
Coach Jo: " Drink this milk "
30 mins later…..Mr T back home: " How'd I get here ? "

Happy Birthday Tori. This match report is for you. I have been advised you should never give away a ladies age. Let’s just say it is 1 more than Mr T’s tackle count of 39!

So just like the “A team” this fictional masterpiece is retired to the archives and will probably be shown again on UK Gold in 20 years time when the kids will finally appreciate the humour….. Writing these match reports is like a Pixar/Disney film – a bit for the kids and most of the jokes for the adults that the kids never understand ;-)